"HOMES" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in the wall until you
turn on your toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire and into the
English muffin, and from there into your stomach, where it remains until a
cool, dry day when you are walking down a hall scuffing your feet on a carpet
and you go to open a door, causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob,
where it remains forever, building up over time to tremendously high levels,
which is why scientists are now concerned that if some unscrupulous entity
such as Libya or God forbid an adolescent male ever figures how to release the
power, he could, using only the latent doorknob energy contained in a single
older ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon.

But your immediate concern, as a potential buyer, is making sure that the
house has the right number of volts. Following is a chart depicting the most
popular voltages currently available in the housing market:

POPULAR HOME VOLTAGES

120
220
9 (Requires 9 volt battery [not included])

Which voltage is right for you? This, more than anything else, is a
matter of personal taste; and like most matters of personal taste, it is best
left in the hands of a qualified interior designer.

Heating and Cooling

Heating and cooling should be supplied by one or more large filthy
objects squatting in a basement or closet. You should inspect these objects
from a safe distance; you should also find out what the total annual heating
and cooling costs will be, using the following formula:

1. Ask the person selling the house how much the total annual heating and
cooling cost will be.
2. To determine the actual cost, multiply the amount this person gives you by
the weight, in pounds, of the devices supplying the heating and cooling.

Insects

Make no mistake about it: there will be insects in the house. The entire
planet is teeming with insect life; scientists now estimate that there are
over 60,000,000,000,000,000,000 different species living under my kitchen sink
alone.

Fortunately, most insects pose no threat to homeowners. All they want is
to eat your food and have babies in your sock drawer and maybe crawl up your
nostril while you're sleeping. In exchange for this, many of them gladly
perform useful household services, such as pooping on your toothbrush. "You
scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours"that is the insect motto.