"HOMES" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

The exception, of course, is termites, which are small socialist insects
that eat houses. (We don't know what they ate before houses were invented.
We think maybe garages.) Termites live in large colonies ruled by a lady
termite with an enormous butt, called the Queen, who governs over a strict
termite hierarchy consisting of: the Biters, the Chewers, the Spit Makers, the
Soldiers, the House of Commons, the Nannies, and the Cute Little Baby Eggs.
Each of these colony members has specific duties and responsibilities that are
clearly posted on the Bulletin Board, although of course, being insects, they
are much too stupid to remember what these duties and responsibilities are, so
they basically just scurry around at random. Nevertheless, as I noted
earlier, they can eat your prospective house, so it is very important that you
inspect carefully for the Two Telltale Signs of Termite Infestation, which
are:

1. Termites walking around with pieces of your prospective house in their
mouths
2. No sign whatsoever of termites, because they are hiding

If all the items on this checklist check out to your satisfaction, it's
time to make the standard Insulting Opening Offer on the house, which we'll
cover in our next chapter.


CHAPTER 3
How To Get Very Deeply Into Debt


If you want to come out a winner in the negotiations for your new house,
you have to be tough. "This is not a time for human decency," are the words
of Wayne Savage, the internationally renowned lecturer and author of the
best-selling book on negotiating strategy, Leave Them Bleeding in the Dirt,
which retails for $178.63 and not a penny less. Which is why you need to
know:

HOW TO NEGOTIATE LIKE A REAL SLIMEBALL

A fine example of the kind of negotiating approach you should take can be
found in the excellent corporate training film The Godfather, where, as part
of his negotiations with a movie producer, Marlon Brando gains a subtle
psychological advantage by arranging to have the producer wake up in bed next
to the head of a deceased horse. (It could have been worse; it could have
been Marlon Brando.)

This is not to suggest that to get a good price on a house, you need to
go around decapitating domesticated animals. No indeed; wild animals are more
than adequate for most residential transactions. But the point is, you have
to be firm.

At the outset of your negotiations, it is very important to create the
impression that you don't really want to buy the house at all, that in fact