"The Adventures of Father Silas" - читать интересную книгу автора (de Farniente Beauregard)

CHAPTER FOUR

In describing the kind of life that we led at the convent, I shall have occasion to exhibit the holy occupants of those retreats in a light somewhat different from that in which they are usually viewed. This, however, is not my fault, I can only relate what I witnessed, and shall endeavor to do that as faithfully as possible.

Let me be allowed to offer a few reflections respecting our mode of life, that may serve to show to what a shameful extent corruption exists among the monarchal cloister by a variety of causes, the most general of which are laziness, profligacy, cowardice, and the utter loss of propriety and honor. It is a pity, that those simple hearted souls, who imagine that religion induces men to embrace a conventual life, cannot behold the real state of things. How deeply would they blush at the abominations practised by those whom they now so blindly reverence. Let me for a while draw back the curtain, and show up a few of my worthy companions in their proper colors.

I will begin with Father Carlos, a man who revelled in sensual pleasures and every kind of vice, until he left the world in disgust and flew to the convent, to expiate his misdeeds in a life of penitence-or to rid himself of the importunity of his creditors. It seems that the latter was the real cause of his entering the fraternity, for he is still addicted to his old tastes, and would, unaided, eat and drink the whole income of the monastery.

Then comes Father Matthew, in whom the girdle of threefold cord* has wrought but little change. He flatters himself that he is an orator of no inferior kind, and that in logic Thomas Aquinas was a fool to him; while it is clear to everybody else that he is merely a drunken, prating blockhead. Of Father Boniface I could say much, little to his credit, but I feel it necessary to shorten these preliminary observations and proceed with my history. Enough will transpire therein to satisfy my reader respecting the reverend Fathers generally without my losing time and labor in drawing their individual portraits.

From all that I had seen and could infer from what passed while I was with Ambrose, more especially the gallantries of Father Polycarp and Annette, my ideas of monarchal life were anything but gloomy. I thought the gown was the dress affording the easiest access to the temple of pleasure; and my imagination rioted in the agreeable chimeras it created. Under these feelings, I received the habit of the order with real joy, when it was offered me a few days after my arrival by the Prior, who seemed to have all a father's affection for me. * The three knots symbolized the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. (Editor's note.)

I had learned enough Latin of the rector (who, by the bye, was not overburdened with it) to pass through my novitiate with honor; and I was praised as a youth whose talents promised something beyond the common track. Alas! I have made but poor use of them, having, in my excessive zeal in the service of Venus, entirely neglected applying them to any purpose advantageous to myself or others.

I will not drag the reader through the uninteresting details of my studies and disgust while a novice, but will merely touch on an incident or two that happened before I was looked on as a regular and reverend Father. I had not been long in the convent before I discovered that though the monks might lead an agreeable life, it was quite another thing with the monkling. I repented having taken the vows, but that being irremediable, I looked forward to the priesthood as the “consummation devoutly to be wished.” Being supposed the son of a gardener, my progress in my studies beyond many of my fellows produced not a little ill-will; and I was so often reproached with my birth, that I began to feel quite ashamed of it. Annette took no notice at all of me now; nor was it likely she should, as she was always surrounded by my superiors. Susan I never heard a word of, nor of Madame Dinville, after my arrival at the convent.

My mind would often be occupied with thoughts of these two personages, and I had no relief for the excitement produced by these meditations but in the application of my hand; so to my hand I had recourse, and thus forgot my troubles for a moment.

I had one day retired to a lonely spot, and was indulging in this amusement, safe, as I thought, from every eye, when a monk, who was not of my friends, suddenly broke in upon my privacy. When I saw the malignant pleasure exhibited in his countenance, I thought myself lost, feeling certain that he would publish my shame.

“Ha, ha, Brother Silas!” said he; “I did not think you capable of such things-you, the model of the convent! the eagle of theology! the…”

“Come, come,” said I sternly; “let us have no more of your ironical eulogy; you have seen me frig myself; go and tell all the convent; bring whomever you please to see me make my tenth discharge!”

“Brother Silas,” said he coolly, “it is for your own good that I speak; why do you frig yourself?”

“That's quite enough, Father Andrew,” said I; “I neither want your advice nor your jeering. Begone, or I'll…” The anger with which I said this made him lay aside his assumed seriousness, he burst into a laugh, and held out his hand towards me.

“Come, give me your hand,” said he; “I did not think you were so good a fellow; frig yourself no more; you are worthy of better fortune, and shall have something more solid than your expedient.”

I was pleased with this frankness and gave him my hand, and said:

“I am not mistrustful when one treats me in this manner, but accept your offer at once.”

“Good!” said he; “Upon my honor, I will come for you to your chamber at twelve o'clock to-night. Button up your breeches, and do not waste good powder by firing in the air in the meantime, I must now leave you; wait a few minutes before you follow, that we may not be seen together; for it might be productive of mischief. Goodbye!”

After the monk's departure, I was lost in wonder at what all this would end in. Though I could not make out what he meant, I had some reliance on his promise, and thought no more of relieving myself by imitating Onan's invention. “What does he mean,” said I to myself, “by giving me something more solid? If it is some young novice, I will have nothing to do with him.” But here I argued like a blockhead, without knowing anything about the subject. Reader, perhaps you are as much in the dark as I was then?-Exactly so, say you: what, is it true that a novice is not such a very objectionable morsel? You must send your prejudices out to grass; taste is everything. What can be more charming than a pretty lad, with a snow white skin, well shaped shoulders, fine fall of the loins, hard buttocks, an arse of a perfect oval, narrow, close, clean and without hair? This does not resemble your leatherbag-like quims where one can enter head first. But do not reproach me with inconsistency that I sometimes praise the slit, at others the arse. You must learn that I have experience in my favor; that I take a woman whenever I can, and if they run scarce, I have no objection to a fine boy. Go to the school of the Grecian sages, or to that of respectable persons of our own days; and you will learn to live.

At midnight I heard some one knock at the door of my cell, and when I opened, I saw it was the good monk come according to his promise, and he directed me to follow him.

“But where are you going to lead me?”

“To the church.”

“You are joking; what to prayers! Your humble servant, I shall go to bed.”

“Follow me, you simpleton; do you not see that I am going up into the organ loft?” said he, as he opened the door and drew me in.

You would hardly guess what I found there! There stood in the middle a table well supplied with delicacies and wines, at which sat three monks, three novices, and a young girl of twenty, as pretty as an angel. Father Casimir was the leader of the joyous company, and he gave me a kind reception.

“Father Silas,” said he, “you are welcome. Father Andrew has told me of your good qualities, and you deserve his protection. Lovemaking, eating, drinking, and laughing, are our occupation here; are you disposed to join us?”

“Zounds! Will I not?” I replied; “if it is only to keep up the character of the cloth, I will do as much as any one; but,” continued I, turning to the rest of the company, “in so saying, I do not mean to disparage any of those present.”

“You are one of us,” said Father Casimir; “place yourself here between this pretty creature and me, and let us crack a bottle in honor of our new companion.”

While the bottle passes round, I will endeavor to amuse the reader with a sketch of the reverend Father Casimir. His Reverence was of the middle size, dark complexion, and of a right priestly corpulence. He was remarkable for his Socratic propensities, and he indulged them with but little restriction. He was an author and much reputed for his wit; as a writer, he was brutal in his satire, coarse in his humor, and indelicate when ironical. He had acquired a name by writings possessing no merit, but full of malignity; and the success of his lampoons consoled him for the horsewhipping which they occasionally procured him. It must however be confessed that it was wrong to abuse him in this manner, since, although the libels appeared under his name, he had done no more than correct what others had fabricated for him. When he discovered any young persons to be possessed of some talents, he endeavored to cultivate them, by giving them subjects to write upon, revising their work, and having it printed, which latter proceeding was often productive of very disagreeable consequences. But he did not much mind this; and as the miser consoles himself after being hooted in the streets by counting over the riches of his iron chest, so the laughter that he excited in public against others, wiped away the tears that he was at times compelled to shed in private by the wrath of individuals.

Thus while he enjoyed the pleasures of literature in his closet, he was able to gratify all his desires by having recourse to the arses of his myrmidons. As a reward for their complaisance, he gave his niece up to them, and she acquitted his debts. The porter of the convent was altogether in his interest, so that the girl, wine, meat, or whatever else he wanted, was introduced without difficulty. He preferred the organ-loft for the scene of his orgies, as it was less liable to interruption, and all were at hand to attend to the regular services in the church, which prevented any suspicion arising.

In spite of all the precautions of Father Casimir to secure his pupils for himself, he was frequently losing them; and they often used those weapons against him, which he had taught them how to handle, and distributed their pasquinades among their fellows. But now I turn to other matters.

Father Casimir's niece was a little lively brunette; her appearance at first sight was rather against her, but further scrutiny made ample amends for that disadvantage. Her neck and bosom were not exactly what they had once been, but she made the most of them. Her eyes were small, but black and sparkling, and had an expression of refined coquetry, and occasionally a spice of lasciviousness. Her conversation was remarkable for its wit and gaiety. In a word, she was all that was necessary for me; and as soon as I found myself seated beside her, those confused emotions which I experienced when I first saw Father Polycarp with Annette, took full possession of me again. Long privation of sensual enjoyments had rendered my general tone of feeling so different that I seemed to have entered upon another state of existence. I looked at my neighbor, and her laughing and easy air made me fully sensible that I should not languish with my desires unsatisfied any longer than I delayed making the proposal. I was well aware that no damsel who meant to play the vestal would be found in the midst of a band of monks, but my good fortune appeared to me so extraordinary, that I hardly knew what to make of it; I trembled and was so fearful of losing the golden opportunity that I had some difficulty in mustering up courage enough to profit by it. My hand was on her thigh, which was pressed against mine; she took my hand and put it through the pocket-hole of her petticoat; I guessed what she wanted and did not hesitate to put my hand where it was required. The touch of a place which I had been so long deprived of, gave me such a thrill of pleasure that all the company perceived it, and one of them cried out.

“Bravo, Father Silas, you are at it!”

I might probably have been somewhat disconcerted by this exclamation if she had not at the very moment given me a kiss and unbuttoned my breeches, when she seized my member with one hand and put the other arms round my neck.

“Look here, my good fathers,” said she, as she drew my weapon from its lurking place; “can any of you show me such a beauty as this?”-.'

The whole company burst into a noisy expression of their admiration, and each congratulated her on the treat she was about to have. Afterwards Father Casimir requested silence, and addressed me in the following terms:

“Father Silas, you have Marianne at your disposal; you see her, and may you excuse me the necessity of proclaiming her good qualities.

“She is accomplished, and will soon make you participate the highest pleasures imagination can conceive; but this enjoyment must be on one condition.”

“What is this condition?” I asked; “must I give my blood?”

“No; only your arse.”

“What the devil would you be at with that?”

“Oh, that's my business.”

I was so eager to kiss Marianne that I made no objections to the terms proposed. I immediately set about mounting my filly, and the old goat was on my back in a moment. Although Casimir seemed to be splitting me up behind, the pleasure I tasted with his niece diverted my attention from the pain. We were soon swimming in pleasure; and if the excess of voluptuous sensations made me desist a moment from my labor of love, the good Father stirred me up, and incited me to follow his example. Thus pushed and pushing, the strokes of the uncle re-echoed in the bower of the niece, whose vigor amazed the whole company. Father Casimir was very soon left behind in the race, and he, like the rest, surprised at the obstinacy of the combat, stood with them awaiting its issue. I wondered that Marianne was able to compete with me, for I thought I had collected all the strength that I had acquired during so long a period. She was enraged at meeting with an antagonist who was capable of vanquishing her, after all her victories over the bravest youths of the convent. We had already spent four times, when Marianne, shutting her eyes, inclining her head, awaited my fifth discharge as a finishing stroke; she received it, and when she had meditated thereon for a few moments, she quitted my embrace and candidly confessed herself beaten. I was proud enough of my victory, and immediately presented her with a bumper, and took another myself, and thus sealed our reconciliation in the generous produce of the vine.

When the diversion produced by this incident was past, every one resumed his place at the table, and Casimir began a panegyric of his favorite recreation. Being fundamentally acquainted with the subject, he acquitted himself very well. He gave a lengthy enumeration of all its most noted admirers; among whom he cited many philosophers, popes, emperors, and cardinals. He even went as far back as the adventure of Sodom, and contended that the opinion generally received respecting that event was a gross and willful perversion of the case.

The reverend Father's discourse was followed by the applause that it merited, and which it was certain of receiving from an audience so much enamored with the subject of it. Rogering backway and frontway was again begun; and after some further time spent in drinking and laughing, we parted, with a mutual promise to renew the feast that day week: these banquets were too expensive to take place every day, as the income of Father Casimir was insufficient for holding them more frequently, and none of the rest had wherewithal to help him. Marianne and I parted the best friends in the world; but the poor child soon found that it was dangerous to play with me, as in a very short time her apron-strings proved too short. Father Casimir took care to manage things secretly; it was but fair for him to take on himself to provide against the risks to which he exposed his niece. She got out of the dilemma without much difficulty, and the only inconvenience attending it was that her unexpected pregnancy interfered with the regularity of our nocturnal meetings. I took to Casimir's remedy for the evil, and soon became redoutable to the arses of all our novices; but it was not long before I fell back upon my former taste, and preferred the pleasures of the front entrance to the much boasted charms of the back door.

One day, just after the first mass, the Prior sent me an invitation to dine with him in his private apartment; accordingly I went, and found there several of the elders, who, as well as the Prior, gave me a most frank and hearty reception. We took our places at table, and partook of a truly prelatical repast. When the wine, which his Reverence had taken care to procure of the best growth, had somewhat enlivened our conversation, I was surprised to hear my superiors give full liberty to their organs of speech, and plump out b- and f- with an ease that I could not have supposed possible if I had never seen them otherwise than under the sanctified mask that always distinguished their external conduct. The Prior saw my surprise, and said to me:

“Father Silas, we shall henceforth dispense with ceremony before you, as you must also on your part; yes, my son, the time is come, you have received the holy order of priesthood, and this quality makes you now our equal, and imposes on me the obligation of disclosing to you some important secrets until this day kept from you, and which it would be dangerous to entrust to young persons who might leave us and divulge mysteries that ought to be buried in eternal silence: it is to discharge this duty that I have sent for you here.”

This pompous exordium made me listen attentively as he proceeded:

“You are not one of those weak persons whom sex frightens; the act is natural to man. We are monks, it is true; but when we made our vows, we counted neither the king member nor his appendages. Why are we to forego so natural a function? Must we, to excite the compassion of the faithful, go and frig ourselves in the streets? No; but we must find a medium between austerity and nature. This medium consists in giving ourselves up to the latter in our cloisters, and as much as possible to the former in public. To effect this, some have women in their retreats to heighten their pleasures, and to forget in their arms the disagreeable things attending their lot.”

“You astonish me, reverend Father,” said I; “but why not extend the provisions of this wise policy to us also?”

The company laughed at my question, and the Prior replied:

“We are not behind our neighbors; we have a place here that is by no means destitute of women.”

“Here!” I replied; “And do you not fear a discovery?”

“No,” said he; “that is next to impossible; the extent of our house is so great that the place cannot easily be found.”

“Ah! when will it be my happy lot to offer consolation to these amiable recluses!”

“They are not without consolations,” answered he, laughing; “and your quality of priest gives you the right to go whenever you please.”

“When I please! O Father, I call on you to prove your words this moment.”

“It is not time yet; it is only at night that we go into our fish-house (for that is where the ladies are). There are only two keys that will admit you; one of them is in my possession and the purveyor has the other. But this is not all, Father Silas,” continued the Prior; “and when I tell you that Ambrose is not your father you will be still more amazed.”

And indeed I was amazed, so much so that I could scarcely open my mouth.

“You are not the son of Ambrose, nor yet of Annette; your birth is more exalted. One of our sisters gave birth to you.”

“Then, if it is so,” I cried, when recovered from my surprise; “why have you so long withheld the satisfaction of letting me embrace my mother, if still living?”

“Father Silas,” said the Prior somewhat affected, “your reproaches are just; but believe me that it is from not want of affection for you that you have not yet been introduced to the society of our fish-house. The love that we cherish for you has long been struggling against a strict adherence to our regulations; but order is absolutely necessary; and the period is now come to silence your complaints. In a short time you will have the pleasure that you covet; you will embrace your mother.”

“I am all impatience to throw myself in her arms!”

“Be calm; your suspense will not be long. Night is fast approaching, and the hour will come before you are aware. We shall sup in the fish-house, and you are expected there. You will go to the refectory for form's sake only, and will then come to rejoin us here.”

The expectation of seeing my mother was something to move me; but the hope of being able to abandon myself to love offered my heart such an immensity of desires, that my imagination could scarcely grasp them.

At the appointed time, I returned to the prior's apartment, and found there five or six monks.

We started in silence, and went to the antique chapels which joined the fish-house on one side: when there, we went down into a cavern that appeared to have been made as horrible as possible by way of making a stronger contrast with the pleasure that was to follow. We guided ourselves along the dismal place by means of a rope fastened to the wall, and soon reached a little staircase lighted by a lamp. The Prior opened the door at the top of the stairs; and after making a few turns in a narrow crooked passage, we came into a large room, handsomely furnished, and surrounded by beds apparently well adapted to the purpose for which they were intended. In the middle stood a table laid with every requisite for a splendid supper. There was no one in the room when we entered; but when the Prior applied his hand to the bellpull, an old cook made her appearance followed by our sisters, who were six in number and seemed quite charming in my eyes. Each of them chose one of my companions, and I stood by looking on, somewhat piqued at being thus neglected; but my turn soon came, and ample amends were made for this momentary slight.

Our supper was prepared without any more regard being paid to the fasts of the church than was observed by Father Casimir in his chamber. The most exquisite viands were set before us, and each with his lady by his side, ate, drank, and talked bawdily. They railed me severely because I could not eat; and I was ill able to defend myself, being altogether absorbed in other matters: the desire of finding my mother, and of having a skirmish with one of the sisters. I endeavored to read in their eyes which of them it was that had brought me into the world; but, although engaged with the Fathers, they threw glances at me which upset my conjectures. I stupidly imagined that I should recognise my mother by instinct; but I found that I was equally inclined to them all, and that my lance was quite ready to enter the lists with any or all of them.

My disturbed air was highly diverting to the company; but when the meal was dispatched, every thing was properly disposed for the enjoyment of the pleasures of love. The eyes of our adorables began to sparkle, and as a newcomer, I was expected to lead off in the dance.

“Come, Father Silas,” said the Prior; “you must make a beginning with your neighbor, Sister Gabrielle.”

I had already given and received several kisses, and her hand had even strayed as far as my breeches; she appeared to be the oldest of the six, but I was so far content with her charms as not to envy the lot of any one else. She was a bouncing dame, of a fair complexion and had no personal defect, but rather a superfluity of fat, indeed that was her only fault, if it be one at all. Her skin was of the most dazzling whiteness; her head exceedingly fine, and her eyes large and full of expression. Love made them tender and languishing, but they still exhibited a voluptuous brilliancy.

My desires had not waited for the Prior's exhortation; Gabrielle had excited them, and she gallantly gave herself to the task of satisfying them.

“Come, my king,” said she to me; “I want to have your maidenhead; come and lose it in the place where you commenced your existence.”

I was all of a tremble at hearing this. Without being more virtuous, I had acquired so much knowledge from the monks, that I could not do the same thing with Gabrielle that I had done with Annette. I was just on the point of doing what she requested, but was prevented by a remnant of shame, and retreated from the enterprise.

“Good heavens!” cried Gabrielle, “is it possible that this can be my son? How ever could I bring such a slink-away into the world! He is afraid to have sex With his mother!”

“My dear,” said I embracing her; “be satisfied with my love; if you were not my mother, I should be overjoyed to possess you. I entreat you to respect a weakness that I cannot help,”

The mere semblance of virtue is respectable in the sight of corruption itself; my conduct was praised by the monks, who acknowledged that they were in the wrong, except one who wanted to argue the matter with me.

“Poor simpleton!” said he, “Why do you shrink from an action so indifferent? Is not sex the joining together of a man and a woman? Is this natural or contrary to nature? It is evidently natural, since they both have an irresistible propensity to indulge in it; and it is equally clear that nature intends them to enjoy it as their feelings impel them. If God said to our first fathers, 'Increase and multiply,' how did he mean the multiplication to be effected? Adam had daughters, and he laid them. Eve had sons, who did with her what their father had done with their sisters. Let us come down to the deluge. The only person left in the world were Noah and his family; it was consequently necessary for the brother to lie with the sister, the son with the mother, and the father with the daughter, that the earth might be repeopled. Some ages after, when Lot fled from Sodom, his two daughters, who kept in view the intention of the Creator, and had just seen their good mother turned into a statue for being a little curious, cried out in the bitterness of their hearts: 'Alas! alas! The end of the world is near.' They would have been highly culpable in the eyes of God, had they not contributed to re-establish what he had just destroyed; and Lot, convinced of this truth, contributed thereto with all his might. In this instance you see Nature in her primitive simplicity. Men, subjected from the beginning to her laws, thought it a duty to follow them, but were soon led astray by their passions and forgot the ordinances of their bountiful mother; they would not continue in the happy state in which she had placed them; they turned every thing topsy-turvy, invented divers chimeras which they denominated vices, and framed laws, which, instead of promoting the cause of virtue, were abundantly productive of vice. These laws have engendered many prejudices, which have been patronised by blockheads and ridiculed by sages, and have taken root more deeply from age to age. When these meddling lawmakers overthrew the laws of nature, they ought to have modified the hearts which she gave us, and also to have regulated our desires and fixed some limits to their extravagances. Nature, speaking from the bottom of our hearts, continually protests against the injustice of their laws. In a word, poking without any distinction of persons is a divine institution, and the limited system is a human scheme. The former is as much above the latter as the heavens are above the earth. Is it possible, indeed, for any one without criminality to listen to man rather than to God? Certainly not; and St. Paul, the sacred interpreter of the will of heaven, has said: 'Rather than burn in Hell, give yourself to sexual indulgence, my children!' It is true that to avoid giving scandal to narrow minds, he somewhat veils the idea, and makes use of the expressive saying, 'It is better to marry than to bum'; but it is still the same thing in reality, for one only marries to have the pleasure of poking at discretion. How much more could I speak to you of this matter, if I did not feel the urgent necessity of following St. Paul's wise recommendation!”

He had a hearty laugh at his sally; the old rip rose from his seat, and spear in hand menaced all the slits in the room.

“Wait a moment,” said Sister Madelon; “I have thought of a plan to punish Silas.”

“What is it?” exclaimed they all.

“To make him lie down upon a bed; Gabrielle shall place herself along his back, and the Father who has just been speaking like an oracle, shall give her a good strumming in that position.”

The whole company laughed at this proposal, and I said that I readily consented, on the condition that while the Father rogered Gabrielle, I should be at work on the inventor of this precious punishment.

“Oh, if that's all, I am quite agreeable to it!” said she.

The scheme was applauded, and we all began to take our positions. Just imagine what an exhibition that must be. The Father did not make a single stroke at my mother without having it instantly repaid threefold; and her arse, in falling again on mine, drove me into Madelon to admiration, this one-on-the-other poking was diverting enough for the bystanders, but we were too seriously occupied to laugh. I could, had I so pleased, have easily revenged myself on Madelon by letting the weight of three bodies fall on her; but she was too loving, and labored away with too much good will to let me think of doing any such thing. Although I eased her as much as I could, it was rather hard upon her, for as my discharge came on before our upper partners were in the same condition, the excess of pleasure made me almost motionless. Gabrielle perceived this, and several spirited heaves of her arse did for me that which I had not the power to do for myself, and at the same time increased her own pleasures by making her spend also.

The elogium that we made of this fashion of stroking excited the monks and the sisters, who all began to make arrangements for poking a le quatuor, which is the name we gave to this posture, and we again showed them how to do it. The best discoveries are generally due to nature.

Gabrielle was so charmed with this manner of proceeding, that she said she never before knew to what an extent the pleasures of nature may be heightened by a proper mixture of art, and she had experienced more ecstasy than when she did me the honor of laying the foundation for my own individual person. We were curious to know the circumstances to which she alluded and entreated her to detail them.

Beauregard de Farniente

The Adventures of Father Silas