"Paul Di Filippo - Two CC's of Bestseller, Stat" - читать интересную книгу автора (Di Filippo Paul)

I underwent the same procedure in my other ear.

“Feel all better?” asked Dr. Gutenberg as I sat up.

“Not one hundred percent....”

He cupped his chin and pondered. “We’ll have to perform a
papier-mâché full-body wrap. Take off your shorts.”

I complied. The doctor secured and plugged in a little electric pot.

“Electric glue pot. From J. Hewit and Sons. By appointment to the
Queen and all that. Top quality stuff. Just like this plough blade.”

Dr. Gutenberg flourished a big wood and rubber spatula.

“Now, just relax.”

In a short time I was completely coated with sticky, smelly paste from
the neck down. Dr. Gutenberg began to rip pages out of a different book.

“First edition Walden. Guaranteed to restore complete health.”

Soon I was immobilized like a mummy. Curiously, I began to relax
and feel better. Perhaps it was just the fumes from the glue pot. I drowsed
off peacefully.

But I was jolted awake by waves of pain as Dr. Gutenberg ripped
Thoreau’s prose from my body! I screamed, and flailed about, accidentally
grabbing Dr. Gutenberg’s mask.

The naked face of the the “doctor” was immediately recognizable to
me!

“You’re Harry W. Schwartz the Fourth!”

“No, no, I’m Dr. Gutenberg—”

I climbed down off the table. “There’s no such thing as the
Schwarzenegger-Clinton Public Safety Act, is there? That entrance scanner
is a fake!”

The mock doctor caved. “Yes, yes, I’ll admit it! Sales were down at
the store, and we came up with this scheme. The nurses are my nieces,
and the contemptuous patrons were illegal immigrants hired from the Home
Depot parking lot. And those weren’t true first editions, just Weston Press
reprints! Practically worthless, we get them for two dollars a carton.”

Now the smell of the glue registered with me. “And this binder’s paste
is just melted brie!”