"SCREW" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

want to fix a plumbing problem, you'd look up Chapter 4, "Plumbing." Or
Chapter 8, "Masonry." It won't make much difference.


Chapter 1
Tools
Why they want to injure you, and how to thwart them


Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug,
the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk
right up and smack them in the face.

We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For
example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive
the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so generally
the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood, which isn't
really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to begin with.

Special Cautionary Procedure for Those of You Who Choose to Disregard My
Advice and Use a Power Saw, You Fools

1. With the saw off and all the power in the house off and the power lines
completely detached from the house, place the piece of wood you want to
cut near the saw.
2. Leave the room and have the power turned back on. (WARNING: Never attempt
to turn on the power yourself! Have one of your children do it.)
3. Have the power turned back off and peek into the room, wearing industrial
goggles. If you see any signs of movement from the saw, fire a few
rounds at it from a small-caliber revolver, such as you might use to
unclog a toilet (see Chapter 4, "Plumbing"). If you see no signs of
movement, have one of your remaining children retrieve the piece of wood.

The three major kinds of tools

Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten up or jar their many
complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that
theyfunction perfectly. These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and
truncheons.
Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate yourfoot. Awls.
Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater
than the value of any project that could possibly result. Power saws,
power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of
power more advanced than flashlight batteries.

How to get a complete home tool set for under four dollars