Church pricelist

Every well-educated priest, considering himself a natural follower of True Belief, after having consumed this manuscript is obliged to start spitting with shit streams and to anathematize the author without any doubt ever possible. You were not afraid to anathematize L.Tolstoy in due time, after all. We will note, however, that this act of yours has prevented neither the L.Tolstoy, nor the author from fulfilling their goals.

-    Greetings, greetings, Vladimir ! How is your edition living ?

-    Lives remarkably, just remarkably, Voldemar! We have recently found next sensational, or so to speak, stuff !

-    What, again something about 2012, yeah ? All of this our readers already passed by, listened to and did not hear and still remained unprepared so, I am afraid, they will not even care.

-    Better, way better, Voldemar! We have at last personally beheld slogans of servants of Sly One, calling themselves no lesser than followers of true belief !

-    What, have you again uncovered some god-forsaken sect or the like ?

-    Well … I guess it’s possible to say so, too. Veeeeery huge sect, you know. With a world, or so to say, name.

-    Errrmm, I’m deeply sorry, I am just this-that, well, as they say, me not understands you.

-    It’s just that easy, Voldemar ! Just look at what sort of writings we have found on the doors of their, heck, shrines …

* * *

1. Reproductions of bones of orthodox sacred from the enlightened Benedict and Gucci!

Pinch of ashes : 1 silver coin.

The decayed hair : 2 silver coins.

Nail, reduced by half : 4 silver coins.

Phalanx of a median  finger : 6 silver coins.

Fragile rib : 15 silver coins.

Skull : 30 silver coins.

The action “Now and then … twenty five again!”: order doubled quantity of copies of any type at a discount of 25 %!

P.S. Don’t call us necrophilists. Call us – relics-knowers !

2. Holy water on your taste and color! Water - is a source of vital force and longevity!

Holy water distilled classical : 1 silver coin.

Holy water distilled over-blessed lay-on-handed : 3 silver coins.

The most holy water all-churched silvered : 7 silver coins.

His Holiness Alex's urine, personally blessed : 30 silver coins.

The action “Gimme two!” : till the End of Times only: order the doubled quantity of Alex’s urine at the same price of 30 silver coins!

P.S. Ah, my water, you are good! For us all it’s holy food!

3. This church’s blessing and damnation – weapons of purification ! Bless will you we – it is the tooth, and your enemies we’ll curse !

Blessing of a single parishioner of the 1st level : 2 silver coins.

Blessing of a single parishioner by the head of Church : 5 silver coins.

Blessing of a group of parishioners : 10 silver coins. Attention: the quantity of blest souls is limited by the church’s physical capacity of their bodies.

Damnation of a single parishioner’s foe of the 1st level : 1 silver coin.

Damnation of a single parishioner’s foe by the head of Church : 3 silver coins.

Massive damnation of group of foes : 8 silver coins. Attention: the quantity of the damned cannot exceed all population of a planet, minus the quantity of those damning and asking for it.

Massive damnation of group of foes with illuminations and the ends of the world : 30 silver coins.

The action “Refer a friend” : Bring us any new unique parishioner for blessing, and receive a discount of 50 % on a damnation of your foe! Period of validity: exclusively till the end of 2012.

P.S. Bless those damning you, damn those who haven’t blessed you!

4. Church's candles cure souls! Eath those candles from the bowls!

Church candle never burning : 1 silver coin.

Church candle smoking : 3 silver coins.

Church candle never smoking short-living : 4 silver coins.

Church candle good-smelling : 6 silver coins.

Candle exclusively for anus : 13 silver coins. Removes constipations, improves mood, excludes hemorrhoids. Double effect with usage together with vaseline!

The VIP-candle : Only for prosperous customers. Removes sins, clears a karma, improves both health and the future : 30 silver coins.

The action "Guest of honor" : bring a candle of any our competitor on an exchange, and receive our own at a discount of 90 %!

P.S. Put our candles into yourself! Support a flame of your soul!

5. We will absolve you all your sins, we’ve found way to release gins ! The God himself gave us this right, and we now bear it with pride !

Remission of an insignificant sin : 5 silver coins.

Remission of a considerable sin : 10 silver coins.

Remission of a heavy sin : 15 silver coins.

Remission of a mortal sin : 30 silver coins.

The action "All inclusive" : 666 silver coins – and sin till the End of Times fearlessly!

* * *

- Well, how’s that, Voldemar?

- Knock downing ! Well, I just wanted to ask, if there is really no more firm soil underfoot of these innocent divine creatures, these so-called-believing or even so-called-wanting-to-believe ? Has the Dark One really already slammed the last door remained ?

- Why, bless you, Voldemar, certainly not. The door was closed, but the footpath still remains.

- Errmm. Allow me to take an inquire, what does this track looks like, Vladimir?

- Live God, Voldemar. Live God …