Dave Barry. Guide To Marriage And/Or Sex Introduction Why Men and Women Have Trouble getting Along Chapter 1. How To Find Somebody To Go On Dates With And Eventually Get Married To Who Is Not A Total Jerk How to Develop A Psychological Profile of Your Ideal Mate The Singles Scene How to Get into A Spontaneous Conversation Some Good Opening Lines What the Woman Should Do If She Is Not Interested Meeting People through Personal Ads Meeting People Through Clubs and Organizations Meeting People at the Office Tips for Gals: 13 Common First-Date Warning Signs That a Guy Might Be a jerk Dating Who Should Ask Whom for the Date Four Fun Things to Do on a Date Things You Can Talk About on a Date Falling in Love Chapter2. Living In Sin Moving in Together The Most Serious Issue Likely to Come between a Man and a Woman Living Together What Men Have to Do about This Recipes for Guys Chapter 3. A Frank, Mature, Sensitive, And Caring Discussion Of Human Sexuality With Dirty Pictures Special Advance Warning to Decent People The Major Male Sexual Organs The Major Female Sexual Organs Answers to Common Sexual Questions Necking Tips for Guys Heavy Petting Solid Advice about Condoms Where to Get Additional Explicit Helpful Information on Sex Chapter 4. Breaking Up Or Getting Engaged How to Tell If You Are Compatible with Somebody Money Children Housework Recreation Sex Religion Family Crises Current Events Alternative Method for Stupid People How to Break Up Chapter 5. Important Prenuptial Chapter Low-Cost but Fair Prenuptial Agreement Tips for the New Bride Chapter 6. How To Have A Perfect Wedding No Matter What Diamond Formation How Diamonds Are Measured Your Wedding Gown Bride’s Wedding Planner Checklist Six Months before the Wedding Five Months before the Wedding Four Months before the Wedding Three Months before the Wedding Two Months before the Wedding One Month before the Wedding Two Weeks before the Wedding One Week before the Wedding The Wedding Day Pranks The Honeymoon Thank-You Notes Chapter 7. Newlywed Finances Household Money Management Credit Cards Your Checking Account Your Home: Buying vs. Renting Chapter 8. How To Argue Like A Veteran Married Couple Chapter 9. Children: Big Mistake, Or Bad Idea? What It Really Means to Be a Parent Where Can I Find Decent Affordable Child Care? How Children Affect Your Sex Life Chapter 10. How To Have An Affair How You Can Tell If Your Spouse Is Having an Affair Chapter 11. How To Put New Life Into Your Marriage Or Else Get A Divorce Divorce How to Select a Lawyer Grounds for Divorce The Divorce Proceedings Starting Over after the Divorce Index
What the Woman Should Do If She Is Not Interested She should attempt to fend the male off via one of the following gently tactful yet firm statements:
* “Haha HA HA HA (cough cough cough) (spit).”
* “I’m sorry, but I just washed my hair.”
* “I’m sorry, but unfortunately you hold no more physical attraction for me than those photographs you sometimes see of a cold virus magnified several million times.”
If subtlety doesn’t work, if the man turns out to be the type who views himself as such an extreme Stud Muffin that he cannot imagine a woman who would not want to conceive a child via him, then the woman should take a more direct approach, such as Mace.