"Ian Watson & Roberto Quaglia - Beloved Vampire of the Blood Comet" - читать интересную книгу автора (Watson Ian)

Microphones picked up the President’s shaky words:

“Oh my God! ARE YOU GOD, COME TO GUIDE ME?”

For many years to come, the most devout Americans would chant in their churches these inspired and
anguished words of their president, and would undergo a sacrament of impalement in the form of a quick
colonoscopy performed by zealous preachers…

In the days following the historic meeting between Dracula and President Bush, all TV channels
broadcast again and again the already immortal images of the event, just as happened previously with the
Twin Towers attack. Publicity spots sold very well. To the surprise of TV viewers, the secret service had
done nothing to stop Dracula from taking advantage of Bush. Those men can’t be stupid because they
work for the Bureau of the Treasury, not the CIA, so they knew perfectly well that vampires are
immortal and can’t be killed, and that frustrating them makes them really mad. The fairy tale of those
wooden stakes which are supposed to destroy vampires is only a cinematographic invention. The only
things that can terminate a vampire are an eternally unsatisfied thirst or falling into a black hole (which
some vampire-philosopher consider to be equivalent). Oh, and of course blazing sunshine too, but
Florida was cloudy that day and none of the secret service agents had a portable sun with them. Plus, the
security guys probably didn’t themselves much want to be bitten by Vlad Tsepesh, and be vampirized.
This may have been ill-advised, since later it would become a status symbol to be a vampire. Another
explanation is that they didn’t react because Vlad mesmerised them, with the typical psychic emenation
which makes vampires such erotic creatures. But these are all hypotheses.

George Bush became a vampire, and presently he was impeached, not for being a vampire – this actually
would be a point in his favour – but on Homeland Security grounds for letting himself be buggered in
public on TV by an illegal Romanian immigrant without a visa. The American people love impaling
presidents, but not impaled ones. Imagine if Monica Lewinski had used a dildo instead of her mouth.
Many millions of Americans who viewed the Bush-Tsepesh encounter (a Bottom, rather than a Summit)
got psychosomatic irritations of their anuses, and male homosexuality in the United States rose
significantly, though this was outstripped by vampirosexuality.




A new President of the United States was needed. The American Constitution had already been modified
so that Schwarzenegger, not born in America, could be elected—but because of this Vlad Tsepesh could
become a candidate too, and finally Vlad the Genuine Impaler of History beat Arnie the Fake Terminator
of Fiction. The fact that when Vlad was speaking medieval Romanian nobody in America could
understand him turned out to be an advantage for his campaign. It wouldn’t be so easy as before to
disagree with the statements of the President of the United States. What’s more, the vampire who came
back from the stars had revealed to the world by his pioneering voyage mysteries of the universe that
were previously unknown. Mankind could dream about new horizons. The American dream became a
Romanian dream. As a result, the White House was completely remodelled in the style of the
monumental People’s Palace of Ceausescu.

Henceforth American foreign policy found it much easier to prevail. The impalement of terrorist suspects,
which became the speciality of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, FEMA, established a new
standard of potent folklore worldwide. I thought this was quite bizarre, since Silviu had told me that Vlad
mainly impaled people for propulsive purposes. Vlad thus became a victim of his popular persona. At the
next G8 meeting, he bit the leaders of the world’s eight most industrialised countries, transforming them