"Piper, H Beam - Operation RSVP" - читать интересную книгу автора (Piper H Beam)
Operation R.S.V.P
by H. Beam Piper
Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky,
Foreign Minister, Union of East European Soviet Republics, to Wu Fung Tung,
Foreign Minister, United Peoples' Republics of East Asia:
15 Jan. 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known
policy of exchanging military and scientific information with the Government,
of friendly Powers, my Government takes great pleasure in announcing the
completely successful final tests of our new nuclear-rocket guided missile Marxist Victory. The test launching was made
from a position south of Lake Balkash; the target was located in the East
Siberian Sea.
In order to assist you in
appreciating the range of the new guided missile Marxist Victory, let me point out that the
distance from launching-site to target is somewhat over 50 percent greater than
the distance from launching-site to your capital, Nanking.
My Government is still hopeful
that your Government will revise its present intransigeant position on the Khakum
River dispute.
I have the honor, etc., etc.,
etc.,
V. N. Dzhoubinsky
Wu Fung Teung, to Vladmir N.
Dzhoubinsky:
7 Feb., 1984
Estimable Sir:
My Government was most
delighted to learn of the splendid triumph of your Government in developing the
new guided missile Marxist
Victory, and
at the same time deeply relieved. We had, of course, detected the release of
nuclear energy incident to the test, and inasmuch as it had obviously
originated in the disintegration of a quantity of Uranium 235, we had feared
that an explosion had occurred at your Government's secret uranium plant at
Khatanga. We have long known of the lax security measures in effect at this
plant, and have, as a consequence, been expecting some disaster there.
I am therefore sure that your
Government will be equally gratified to learn of the perfection, by my
Government, of our own new guided missile Celestial Destroyer, which embodies, in greatly
improved form, many of the features of your own Government's guided missile Marxist Victory. Naturally, your own
scientific warfare specialists have detected the release of energy incident to
the explosion of our own improved thorium-hafnium interaction bomb; this bomb
was exploded over the North Polar ice cap, about two hundred miles south of the
Pole, on about 35 degrees East Longitude, almost due north of your capital city
of Moscow. The launching was made from a site in Thibet.
Naturally, my Government
cannot deviate from our present just and reasonable attitude in the Khakum
River question. Trusting that your Government will realize this, I have the
honor to be,
Your obedient and respectful
servant,
Wu Fung Tung
From N. Y. TIMES, Feb. 20,
1984:
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT NANKING
Ameer Shere Ali Abdallah
Confers
With
UPREA Pres. Sung Li-Yin
UEESR Foreign Minister
Dzhoubinsky to Maxim G. Krylenkoff, Ambassador at Nanking:
3 March, 1984
Comrade Ambassador:
It is desired that you make
immediate secret and confidential repeat secret and confidential inquiry as to
the whereabouts of Dr. Dimitri O. Voronoff, the noted Soviet rocket expert,
designer of the new guided missile Marxist Victory, who vanished a week ago from the Josef
Vissarionovitch Djugashvli Reaction-Propulsion Laboratories at Molotovgorod. It
is feared in Government circles that this noted scientist has been abducted by
agents of the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia, possibly to extract from
him, under torture, information of a secret technical nature.
As you know, this is but the
latest of a series of such disappearances, beginning about five years ago, when
the Khakum River question first arose.
Your utmost activity in this
matter is required.
Dzhoubinsky
Ambassador Krylenkoff to
Foreign Minister Dzhoubinsky:
9 March, 1984
Comrade Foreign Minister:
Since receipt of yours of
3/3/'84, I have been utilizing all resources at my disposal in the matter of
the noted scientist D. O. Voronoff, and availing myself of all sources of
information, e.g., spies, secret agents, disaffected elements of the local
population, and including two UPREA Cabinet Ministers on my payroll. I regret
to report that results of this investigation have been entirely negative. No
one here appears to know anything of the whereabouts of Dr. Voronoff.
At the same time, there is
considerable concern in UPREA Government circles over the disappearances of
certain prominent East Asian scientists, e.g.. Dr. Hong Foo, the nuclear
physicist; Dr. Hin Yang-Woo, the great theoretical mathematician; Dr. Mong
Shing, the electronics expert. I am informed that UPREA Government sources are
attributing these disappearances to us.
I can only say that I am
sincerely sorry that this is not the case.
Krylenkoff
Wu Fung Tung to Vladmir N.
Dzhoubinsky:
21 April, 1984
Estimable Sir:
In accordance with our
established policy of free exchange with friendly Powers of scientific
information, permit me to inform your Government that a new mutated
disease-virus has been developed in our biological laboratories, causing a
highly contagious disease similar in symptoms to bubonic plague, but responding
to none of the treatments for this latter disease. This new virus strain was
accidentally produced in the course of some experiments with radioactivity.
In spite of the greatest care,
it is feared that this virus has spread beyond the laboratory in which it was
developed. We warn you most urgently of the danger that it may have spread to
the UEESR; enclosed are a list of symptoms, etc.
My Government instructs me to
advise your Government that the attitude of your Government in the Khakum River
question is utterly unacceptable, and will require considerable revision before
my Government can even consider negotiation with your Government on the
subject. Your obedient and respectful servant,
Wu Fung Tung
From N. Y. Times, May 12,
1984:
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT
MOSCOW
Ameer sees Red Square Troop
Review;
Confers with Premier-President
Mouzorgin
Sing Yat, UPREA Ambassador at
Moscow, to Wu Fung Tung:
26 June, 1984
Venerable and Honored Sir:
I regret humbly that I can
learn nothing whatever about the fate of the learned scholars of science of
whom you inquire, namely: Hong Foo, Hin Yang-Woo, Mong Shing, Yee Ho Li, Wong
Fat, and Bao Hu-Shin. This inability may be in part due to incompetence of my
unworthy self, but none of my many sources of information, including Soviet
Minister of Police Morgodoff, who is on my payroll, can furnish any useful data
whatever. I am informed, however, that the UEESR Government is deeply concerned
about similar disappearances of some of the foremost of their own scientists,
including Voronoff, Jirnikov, Kagorinoff, Bakhorin, Himmelfarber and
Pavlovinsky, all of whose dossiers are on file with our Bureau of Foreign
Intelligence. I am further informed that the Government of the UEESR ascribes
these disappearances to our own activities.
Ah, Venerable and Honored Sir,
if this were only true!
Kindly condescend to accept
compliments of,
Sing Yat
Dzhoubinsky to Wu Fung Tung:
6 October, 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known
policy of exchanging scientific information with the Governments of friendly
Powers, my Government takes the greatest pleasure in announcing a scientific
discovery of inestimable value to the entire world. I refer to nothing less
than a positive technique for liquidating rats as a species.
This technique involves
treatment of male rats with certain types of hard radiations, which not only
renders them reproductively sterile but leaves the rodents so treated in full
possession of all other sexual functions and impulses. Furthermore, this
condition of sterility is venereally contagious, so that one male rat so
treated will sterilize all female rats with which it comes in contact, and
these, in turn, will sterilize all male rats coming in contact with them. Our
mathematicians estimate that under even moderately favorable circumstances, the
entire rat population of the world could be sterilized from one male rat in
approximately two hundred years.
Rats so treated have already
been liberated in the granaries at Odessa; in three months, rat-trappings there
have fallen by 26.4 percent, and grain-losses to rats by 32.09 percent.
We are shipping you six dozen
sterilized male rats, which you can use for sterilization stock, and, by so
augmenting their numbers, may duplicate our own successes.
Curiously enough, this effect
of venereally contagious sterility was discovered quite accidentally, in
connection with the use of hard radiations for human sterilization (criminals,
mental defectives, etc.). Knowing the disastrous possible effects of an
epidemic of contagious human sterility, all persons so sterilized were
liquidated as soon as the contagious nature of their sterility had been
discovered, with the exception of a dozen or so convicts, who had been released
before this discovery was made. It is believed that at least some of them have
made their way over the border and into the territory of the United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia. I must caution your Government to be on the lookout of
them. Among a people still practicing ancestor-worship, an epidemic of
sterility would be a disaster indeed.
My Government must insist that
your Government take some definite step toward the solution of the Khakum River
question; the present position of the Government of the United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia on this subject is utterly unacceptable to the
Government of the Union of East European Soviet Republics, and must be revised
very considerably.
I have the honor, etc., etc.,
Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky
Coded radiogram, Dzhoubinsky
to Krylenkoff:
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF
RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
DZHOUBINSKY Coded radiogram, Wu Fung Tung
to Sing Yat:
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF
RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
WU
Letter from the Ameer of
Afghanistan to UEESR Premier-President Mouzorgin and UPREA President Sung
Li-Yin:
26 October, 1984
SHERE ALI ABDALLAH, Ameer of
Afghanistan, Master of Kabul, Lord of Herat and Kandahar, Keeper of Khyber
Pass, Defender of the True Faith, Servant of the Most High and Sword-Hand of
the Prophet; Ph.D. (Princeton); Sc.B. (Massachusetts Institute of Technology);
M.A. (Oxford): to their Excellencies A.A. Mouzorgin, Premier-President of the
Union of East European Soviet Republics, and Sung Li-Yin, President of the
United Peoples' Republics of East Asia,
Greetings, in the name of
Allah!
For the past five years, I
have watched, with growing concern, the increasing tensions between your
Excellencies' respective Governments, allegedly arising out of the so-called
Khakum River question. It is my conviction that this Khakum River dispute is
the utterly fraudulent device by which both Governments hope to create a
pretext for the invasion of India, each ostensibly to rescue that unhappy
country from the rapacity of the other. Your Excellencies must surely realize
that this is a contingency which the Government of the Kingdom of Afghanistan
cannot and will not permit; it would mean nothing short of the national
extinction of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and the enslavement of the Afghan
people.
Your Excellencies will recall
that I discussed this matter most urgently on the occasions of my visits to
your respective capitals of Moscow and Nanking, and your respective attitudes,
on those occasions, has firmly convinced me that neither of your Excellencies
is by nature capable of adopting a rational or civilized attitude toward this
question. It appears that neither of your Excellencies has any intention of
abandoning your present war of mutual threats and blackmail until forced to do
so by some overt act on the part of one or the other of your Excellencies'
Governments, which would result in physical war of pan-Asiatic scope and
magnitude. I am further convinced that this deplorable situation arises out of
the megalomaniac ambitions of the Federal Governments of the UEESR and the
UPREA, respectively, and that the different peoples of what you unblushingly
call your "autonomous" republics have no ambitions except, on a
rapidly diminishing order of probability, to live out their natural span of
years in peace. Therefore: In the name of ALLAH, the
Merciful, the Compassionate: We, Shere Ali Abdallah, Ameer of Afghanistan,
etc., do decree and command that the political entities known as the Union of
East European Soviet Republics and the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia
respectively are herewith abolished and dissolved into their constituent
autonomous republics, each one of which shall hereafter enjoy complete
sovereignty within its own borders as is right and proper.
Now, in case either of you
gentlemen feel inclined to laugh this off, let me remind you of the series of
mysterious disappearances of some of the most noted scientists of both the
UEESR and the UPREA, and let me advise your Excellencies that these scientists
are now residents and subjects of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and are here
engaged in research and development work for my Government. These gentlemen
were not abducted, as you gentlemen seem to believe; they came here of their
own free will, and ask nothing better than to remain here, where they are
treated with dignity and honor, given material rewards--riches, palaces,
harems, retinues of servants, etc.--and are also free from the intellectual and
ideological restraints which make life so intolerable in your respective
countries to any man above the order of intelligence of a cretin. In return for
these benefactions, these eminent scientists have developed, for my Government,
certain weapons. For example:
1.) A nuclear-rocket guided
missile, officially designated as the Sword of Islam, vastly superior to your Excellencies' respective
guided missiles Marxist
Victory and Celestial Destroyer. It should be; it was the
product of the joint efforts of Dr. Voronoff and Dr. Bao Hu-Shin, whom your
Excellencies know.
2.) A new type of
radar-radio-electronic defense screen, which can not only detect the approach
of a guided missile, at any velocity whatever, but will automatically capture
and redirect same. In case either of your Excellencies doubt this statement,
you are invited to aim a rocket at some target in Afghanistan and see what
happens.
3.) Both the UPREA mutated
virus and the UEESR contagious sterility, with positive vaccines against the
former and means of instrumental detection of the latter.
4.) A technique for initiating
and controlling the Bethe carbon-hydrogen cycle. We are now using this as a
source of heat for industrial and even domestic purposes, and we also have a
carbon-hydrogen cycle bomb. Such a bomb, delivered by one of our Sword of Islam Mark IV's, was activated
yesterday over the Northern tip of Nova Zembla, at an altitude of four miles. I
am enclosing photographic reproductions of views of this test, televised to
Kabul by an accompanying Sword of Islam Mark V observation rocket. I am informed that
expeditions have been sent by both the UEESR and the UPREA to investigate; they
should find some very interesting conditions. For one thing, they won't need
their climbing equipment to get over the Nova Zembla Glacier; the Nova Zembla Glacier
isn't there, any more.
5.) A lithium bomb. This has
not been tested, yet. A lithium bomb is nothing for a country the size of
Afghanistan to let off inside its own borders. We intend making a test with it
within the next ten days, however If your Excellencies will designate a target,
which must be at the center of an uninhabited area at least five hundred miles
square, the test can be made in perfect safety. If not, I cannot answer the
results; that will be in the hands of Allah, Who has ordained all things. No
doubt Allah has ordained the destruction of either Moscow or Nanking; whichever
city Allah has elected to erase, I will make it my personal responsibility to
see to it that the other isn't slighted, either.
However, if your Excellencies
decide to accede to my modest and reasonable demands, not later than one week
from today, this test-launching will be cancelled as unnecessary. Of course,
that would leave unsettled a bet I have made with Dr. Hong Foo--a star sapphire
against his favorite Persian concubine--that the explosion of a lithium bomb
will not initiate a chain reaction in the Earth's crust and so disintegrate
this planet. This, of course, is a minor consideration, unworthy of Your
notice.
Of course, I am aware that
both your Excellencies have, in the past, fomented mutual jealousies and
suspicions among the several "autonomous" republics under your
respective jurisdictions, as an instrument of policy. If these peoples were, at
this time, to receive full independence, the present inevitability of a
pan-Asiatic war on a grand scale would be replaced only by the inevitability of
a pan-Asiatic war by detail. Obviously, some single supra-national sovereignty
is needed to maintain peace, and such a sovereignty should be established under
some leadership not hitherto associated with either the former UEESR or the
former UPREA. I humbly offer myself as President of such a supra-national
organization, counting as a matter of course upon the whole-hearted support and
co-operation of both your Excellencies. It might be well if both your
Excellencies were to come here to Kabul to confer with me on this subject at
your very earliest convenience.
The Peace of Allah be upon
both your Excellencies!
Shere Ali Abdallah, Ph.D.,
Sc.B., M.A.
From N. Y. Times, Oct. 30,
1984:
MOUZORGIN, SUN LI-YIN,
FETED AT KABUL
Confer With Ameer;
Discuss Peace Plans
Surprise Developments Seen....
Operation R.S.V.P
by H. Beam Piper
Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky,
Foreign Minister, Union of East European Soviet Republics, to Wu Fung Tung,
Foreign Minister, United Peoples' Republics of East Asia:
15 Jan. 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known
policy of exchanging military and scientific information with the Government,
of friendly Powers, my Government takes great pleasure in announcing the
completely successful final tests of our new nuclear-rocket guided missile Marxist Victory. The test launching was made
from a position south of Lake Balkash; the target was located in the East
Siberian Sea.
In order to assist you in
appreciating the range of the new guided missile Marxist Victory, let me point out that the
distance from launching-site to target is somewhat over 50 percent greater than
the distance from launching-site to your capital, Nanking.
My Government is still hopeful
that your Government will revise its present intransigeant position on the Khakum
River dispute.
I have the honor, etc., etc.,
etc.,
V. N. Dzhoubinsky
Wu Fung Teung, to Vladmir N.
Dzhoubinsky:
7 Feb., 1984
Estimable Sir:
My Government was most
delighted to learn of the splendid triumph of your Government in developing the
new guided missile Marxist
Victory, and
at the same time deeply relieved. We had, of course, detected the release of
nuclear energy incident to the test, and inasmuch as it had obviously
originated in the disintegration of a quantity of Uranium 235, we had feared
that an explosion had occurred at your Government's secret uranium plant at
Khatanga. We have long known of the lax security measures in effect at this
plant, and have, as a consequence, been expecting some disaster there.
I am therefore sure that your
Government will be equally gratified to learn of the perfection, by my
Government, of our own new guided missile Celestial Destroyer, which embodies, in greatly
improved form, many of the features of your own Government's guided missile Marxist Victory. Naturally, your own
scientific warfare specialists have detected the release of energy incident to
the explosion of our own improved thorium-hafnium interaction bomb; this bomb
was exploded over the North Polar ice cap, about two hundred miles south of the
Pole, on about 35 degrees East Longitude, almost due north of your capital city
of Moscow. The launching was made from a site in Thibet.
Naturally, my Government
cannot deviate from our present just and reasonable attitude in the Khakum
River question. Trusting that your Government will realize this, I have the
honor to be,
Your obedient and respectful
servant,
Wu Fung Tung
From N. Y. TIMES, Feb. 20,
1984:
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT NANKING
Ameer Shere Ali Abdallah
Confers
With
UPREA Pres. Sung Li-Yin
UEESR Foreign Minister
Dzhoubinsky to Maxim G. Krylenkoff, Ambassador at Nanking:
3 March, 1984
Comrade Ambassador:
It is desired that you make
immediate secret and confidential repeat secret and confidential inquiry as to
the whereabouts of Dr. Dimitri O. Voronoff, the noted Soviet rocket expert,
designer of the new guided missile Marxist Victory, who vanished a week ago from the Josef
Vissarionovitch Djugashvli Reaction-Propulsion Laboratories at Molotovgorod. It
is feared in Government circles that this noted scientist has been abducted by
agents of the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia, possibly to extract from
him, under torture, information of a secret technical nature.
As you know, this is but the
latest of a series of such disappearances, beginning about five years ago, when
the Khakum River question first arose.
Your utmost activity in this
matter is required.
Dzhoubinsky
Ambassador Krylenkoff to
Foreign Minister Dzhoubinsky:
9 March, 1984
Comrade Foreign Minister:
Since receipt of yours of
3/3/'84, I have been utilizing all resources at my disposal in the matter of
the noted scientist D. O. Voronoff, and availing myself of all sources of
information, e.g., spies, secret agents, disaffected elements of the local
population, and including two UPREA Cabinet Ministers on my payroll. I regret
to report that results of this investigation have been entirely negative. No
one here appears to know anything of the whereabouts of Dr. Voronoff.
At the same time, there is
considerable concern in UPREA Government circles over the disappearances of
certain prominent East Asian scientists, e.g.. Dr. Hong Foo, the nuclear
physicist; Dr. Hin Yang-Woo, the great theoretical mathematician; Dr. Mong
Shing, the electronics expert. I am informed that UPREA Government sources are
attributing these disappearances to us.
I can only say that I am
sincerely sorry that this is not the case.
Krylenkoff
Wu Fung Tung to Vladmir N.
Dzhoubinsky:
21 April, 1984
Estimable Sir:
In accordance with our
established policy of free exchange with friendly Powers of scientific
information, permit me to inform your Government that a new mutated
disease-virus has been developed in our biological laboratories, causing a
highly contagious disease similar in symptoms to bubonic plague, but responding
to none of the treatments for this latter disease. This new virus strain was
accidentally produced in the course of some experiments with radioactivity.
In spite of the greatest care,
it is feared that this virus has spread beyond the laboratory in which it was
developed. We warn you most urgently of the danger that it may have spread to
the UEESR; enclosed are a list of symptoms, etc.
My Government instructs me to
advise your Government that the attitude of your Government in the Khakum River
question is utterly unacceptable, and will require considerable revision before
my Government can even consider negotiation with your Government on the
subject. Your obedient and respectful servant,
Wu Fung Tung
From N. Y. Times, May 12,
1984:
AFGHAN RULER FETED AT
MOSCOW
Ameer sees Red Square Troop
Review;
Confers with Premier-President
Mouzorgin
Sing Yat, UPREA Ambassador at
Moscow, to Wu Fung Tung:
26 June, 1984
Venerable and Honored Sir:
I regret humbly that I can
learn nothing whatever about the fate of the learned scholars of science of
whom you inquire, namely: Hong Foo, Hin Yang-Woo, Mong Shing, Yee Ho Li, Wong
Fat, and Bao Hu-Shin. This inability may be in part due to incompetence of my
unworthy self, but none of my many sources of information, including Soviet
Minister of Police Morgodoff, who is on my payroll, can furnish any useful data
whatever. I am informed, however, that the UEESR Government is deeply concerned
about similar disappearances of some of the foremost of their own scientists,
including Voronoff, Jirnikov, Kagorinoff, Bakhorin, Himmelfarber and
Pavlovinsky, all of whose dossiers are on file with our Bureau of Foreign
Intelligence. I am further informed that the Government of the UEESR ascribes
these disappearances to our own activities.
Ah, Venerable and Honored Sir,
if this were only true!
Kindly condescend to accept
compliments of,
Sing Yat
Dzhoubinsky to Wu Fung Tung:
6 October, 1984
Honored Sir:
Pursuant to our well known
policy of exchanging scientific information with the Governments of friendly
Powers, my Government takes the greatest pleasure in announcing a scientific
discovery of inestimable value to the entire world. I refer to nothing less
than a positive technique for liquidating rats as a species.
This technique involves
treatment of male rats with certain types of hard radiations, which not only
renders them reproductively sterile but leaves the rodents so treated in full
possession of all other sexual functions and impulses. Furthermore, this
condition of sterility is venereally contagious, so that one male rat so
treated will sterilize all female rats with which it comes in contact, and
these, in turn, will sterilize all male rats coming in contact with them. Our
mathematicians estimate that under even moderately favorable circumstances, the
entire rat population of the world could be sterilized from one male rat in
approximately two hundred years.
Rats so treated have already
been liberated in the granaries at Odessa; in three months, rat-trappings there
have fallen by 26.4 percent, and grain-losses to rats by 32.09 percent.
We are shipping you six dozen
sterilized male rats, which you can use for sterilization stock, and, by so
augmenting their numbers, may duplicate our own successes.
Curiously enough, this effect
of venereally contagious sterility was discovered quite accidentally, in
connection with the use of hard radiations for human sterilization (criminals,
mental defectives, etc.). Knowing the disastrous possible effects of an
epidemic of contagious human sterility, all persons so sterilized were
liquidated as soon as the contagious nature of their sterility had been
discovered, with the exception of a dozen or so convicts, who had been released
before this discovery was made. It is believed that at least some of them have
made their way over the border and into the territory of the United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia. I must caution your Government to be on the lookout of
them. Among a people still practicing ancestor-worship, an epidemic of
sterility would be a disaster indeed.
My Government must insist that
your Government take some definite step toward the solution of the Khakum River
question; the present position of the Government of the United Peoples'
Republics of East Asia on this subject is utterly unacceptable to the
Government of the Union of East European Soviet Republics, and must be revised
very considerably.
I have the honor, etc., etc.,
Vladmir N. Dzhoubinsky
Coded radiogram, Dzhoubinsky
to Krylenkoff:
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF
RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
DZHOUBINSKY Coded radiogram, Wu Fung Tung
to Sing Yat:
25 OCTOBER, 1984
ASCERTAIN IMMEDIATELY CAUSE OF
RELEASE OF NUCLEAR ENERGY VICINITY OF NOVA ZEMBLA THIS AM
WU
Letter from the Ameer of
Afghanistan to UEESR Premier-President Mouzorgin and UPREA President Sung
Li-Yin:
26 October, 1984
SHERE ALI ABDALLAH, Ameer of
Afghanistan, Master of Kabul, Lord of Herat and Kandahar, Keeper of Khyber
Pass, Defender of the True Faith, Servant of the Most High and Sword-Hand of
the Prophet; Ph.D. (Princeton); Sc.B. (Massachusetts Institute of Technology);
M.A. (Oxford): to their Excellencies A.A. Mouzorgin, Premier-President of the
Union of East European Soviet Republics, and Sung Li-Yin, President of the
United Peoples' Republics of East Asia,
Greetings, in the name of
Allah!
For the past five years, I
have watched, with growing concern, the increasing tensions between your
Excellencies' respective Governments, allegedly arising out of the so-called
Khakum River question. It is my conviction that this Khakum River dispute is
the utterly fraudulent device by which both Governments hope to create a
pretext for the invasion of India, each ostensibly to rescue that unhappy
country from the rapacity of the other. Your Excellencies must surely realize
that this is a contingency which the Government of the Kingdom of Afghanistan
cannot and will not permit; it would mean nothing short of the national
extinction of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and the enslavement of the Afghan
people.
Your Excellencies will recall
that I discussed this matter most urgently on the occasions of my visits to
your respective capitals of Moscow and Nanking, and your respective attitudes,
on those occasions, has firmly convinced me that neither of your Excellencies
is by nature capable of adopting a rational or civilized attitude toward this
question. It appears that neither of your Excellencies has any intention of
abandoning your present war of mutual threats and blackmail until forced to do
so by some overt act on the part of one or the other of your Excellencies'
Governments, which would result in physical war of pan-Asiatic scope and
magnitude. I am further convinced that this deplorable situation arises out of
the megalomaniac ambitions of the Federal Governments of the UEESR and the
UPREA, respectively, and that the different peoples of what you unblushingly
call your "autonomous" republics have no ambitions except, on a
rapidly diminishing order of probability, to live out their natural span of
years in peace. Therefore: In the name of ALLAH, the
Merciful, the Compassionate: We, Shere Ali Abdallah, Ameer of Afghanistan,
etc., do decree and command that the political entities known as the Union of
East European Soviet Republics and the United Peoples' Republics of East Asia
respectively are herewith abolished and dissolved into their constituent
autonomous republics, each one of which shall hereafter enjoy complete
sovereignty within its own borders as is right and proper.
Now, in case either of you
gentlemen feel inclined to laugh this off, let me remind you of the series of
mysterious disappearances of some of the most noted scientists of both the
UEESR and the UPREA, and let me advise your Excellencies that these scientists
are now residents and subjects of the Kingdom of Afghanistan, and are here
engaged in research and development work for my Government. These gentlemen
were not abducted, as you gentlemen seem to believe; they came here of their
own free will, and ask nothing better than to remain here, where they are
treated with dignity and honor, given material rewards--riches, palaces,
harems, retinues of servants, etc.--and are also free from the intellectual and
ideological restraints which make life so intolerable in your respective
countries to any man above the order of intelligence of a cretin. In return for
these benefactions, these eminent scientists have developed, for my Government,
certain weapons. For example:
1.) A nuclear-rocket guided
missile, officially designated as the Sword of Islam, vastly superior to your Excellencies' respective
guided missiles Marxist
Victory and Celestial Destroyer. It should be; it was the
product of the joint efforts of Dr. Voronoff and Dr. Bao Hu-Shin, whom your
Excellencies know.
2.) A new type of
radar-radio-electronic defense screen, which can not only detect the approach
of a guided missile, at any velocity whatever, but will automatically capture
and redirect same. In case either of your Excellencies doubt this statement,
you are invited to aim a rocket at some target in Afghanistan and see what
happens.
3.) Both the UPREA mutated
virus and the UEESR contagious sterility, with positive vaccines against the
former and means of instrumental detection of the latter.
4.) A technique for initiating
and controlling the Bethe carbon-hydrogen cycle. We are now using this as a
source of heat for industrial and even domestic purposes, and we also have a
carbon-hydrogen cycle bomb. Such a bomb, delivered by one of our Sword of Islam Mark IV's, was activated
yesterday over the Northern tip of Nova Zembla, at an altitude of four miles. I
am enclosing photographic reproductions of views of this test, televised to
Kabul by an accompanying Sword of Islam Mark V observation rocket. I am informed that
expeditions have been sent by both the UEESR and the UPREA to investigate; they
should find some very interesting conditions. For one thing, they won't need
their climbing equipment to get over the Nova Zembla Glacier; the Nova Zembla Glacier
isn't there, any more.
5.) A lithium bomb. This has
not been tested, yet. A lithium bomb is nothing for a country the size of
Afghanistan to let off inside its own borders. We intend making a test with it
within the next ten days, however If your Excellencies will designate a target,
which must be at the center of an uninhabited area at least five hundred miles
square, the test can be made in perfect safety. If not, I cannot answer the
results; that will be in the hands of Allah, Who has ordained all things. No
doubt Allah has ordained the destruction of either Moscow or Nanking; whichever
city Allah has elected to erase, I will make it my personal responsibility to
see to it that the other isn't slighted, either.
However, if your Excellencies
decide to accede to my modest and reasonable demands, not later than one week
from today, this test-launching will be cancelled as unnecessary. Of course,
that would leave unsettled a bet I have made with Dr. Hong Foo--a star sapphire
against his favorite Persian concubine--that the explosion of a lithium bomb
will not initiate a chain reaction in the Earth's crust and so disintegrate
this planet. This, of course, is a minor consideration, unworthy of Your
notice.
Of course, I am aware that
both your Excellencies have, in the past, fomented mutual jealousies and
suspicions among the several "autonomous" republics under your
respective jurisdictions, as an instrument of policy. If these peoples were, at
this time, to receive full independence, the present inevitability of a
pan-Asiatic war on a grand scale would be replaced only by the inevitability of
a pan-Asiatic war by detail. Obviously, some single supra-national sovereignty
is needed to maintain peace, and such a sovereignty should be established under
some leadership not hitherto associated with either the former UEESR or the
former UPREA. I humbly offer myself as President of such a supra-national
organization, counting as a matter of course upon the whole-hearted support and
co-operation of both your Excellencies. It might be well if both your
Excellencies were to come here to Kabul to confer with me on this subject at
your very earliest convenience.
The Peace of Allah be upon
both your Excellencies!
Shere Ali Abdallah, Ph.D.,
Sc.B., M.A.
From N. Y. Times, Oct. 30,
1984:
MOUZORGIN, SUN LI-YIN,
FETED AT KABUL
Confer With Ameer;
Discuss Peace Plans
Surprise Developments Seen....