"Improper English" - читать интересную книгу автора (MacAlister Katie)

“What do you call it?”

“I use creative euphemisms instead,” I said with great dignity and allowed her to have just one lemon biscuit. They were my favorites and very expensive, but she was my landlady and she had volunteered to give me her opinion on my work in progress. Sacrifices were sometimes inevitable. “I am, after all, striving to be a writer. I am expected to be a bit on the exuberant side, verbally speaking.”

Isabella pursed her lips and tapped an elegant finger to their rosy fullness. Seeing her perfect mouth in her perfect face, topping her perfect body, made me suck in my bottom lip and gnaw off the few tendrils of chapped skin that graced it, all the while making a mental note to check out whether or not the National Health Insurance plan for visiting Americans covered plastic surgery.

“Euphemisms like lance of love and anything with a helmet are passй, Alix. I suggest you try something a little less flowery.”

“Flowery, huh?” She nodded. I thought about it. “How about if I change that first line to read Lady Rowena gasped in horror at the sight of Lord Raoul’s throbbing manhood...”

“No,” Isabella said firmly, shaking her head at me, her pageboy swinging emphatically. “No throbbing. Nothing should throb, it sounds like it’s infected. Find another phrase.”

“Mmm ... gear and tackle?”

She raised a perfectly shaped pale eyebrow. “I should think not.”

“Um . . . donkey rig?”

“No.”

“Nature’s scythe?”

“Really, Alix, you’re not being serious.”

“How about tarse? Tarse is good. I like tarse. Tarse sounds manly and firm, and not in the least bit infected.”

“No-o-o,” she drawled after considering for a moment. “It’s too blunt. If you’d take my advice—”

“Pintle?”

“What?”

“Too archaic?”

“Definitely.”

“How about poleax?”

She shuddered delicately. “Too violent. Why must you beat around the bush? If you won’t call it a cock, simply use the word member.”

“Member,” I scoffed. “Member! How prosaic. Member.”

She glanced at the thin gold watch on her delicate wrist. I abandoned my protests and hurried on, deciding it was better to fight the big battles. If it’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s not to sweat the little stuff. “Well, all right, for the sake of moving on, I’ll go with member. Now, about the next scene—”

“You know, darling, honestly, I think you’re just a bit over your head with this project. You said yourself that you’ve never written anything, and to plunge in with a romance seems a bit...”

“Daring?”

She sighed. “Ambitious. Alix, I think you should reconsider your plan. Surely your mother would understand if you decided it was too much for you to do in three months. Why don’t you just enjoy your holiday rather than trying to write the entire time? You could travel about, visit Europe, see the rest of England—” She stopped when I made a rude face.