"I thought I could do it." She clamped hands to her ears as if to keep
from hearing her own despair. "I wasted the last two years convincing
myself that I could just lie there and not think and then suddenly I'd be
far away. I was going someplace wonderful and strange." She made a
strangled sound and let her hands drop into her lap. "I was going to help
people see."
"You did it, Kamala. You did everything we asked."
She shook her head. "I couldn't not think. That was the problem. And
then there she was, trying to touch me. In the dark. I had not thought of
her since ...." She shivered. "It's your fault for reminding me."
"Your secret friend," I said.
"Friend?" Kamala seemed puzzled by the word. "No, I wouldn't say she was
a friend. I was always a little bit scared of her, because I was never
quite sure what she wanted from me." She paused. "One day I went up to
10W after school. She was in her chair, staring down at Bloor Street. Her
back was to me. I said, 'Hi, Ms. Ase.' I was going to show her a genie I
had written, only she didn't say anything. I came around. Her skin was
the color of ashes. I took her hand it. It was like picking up something
plastic. She was stiff, hard -- not a person anymore. She had become a
thing, like a feather or a bone. I ran; I had to get out of there. I
went up to our apartment and I hid from her."
She squinted, as if observing -- judging -- her younger self through the
lens of time. "I think I understand now what she wanted. I think she knew
she was dying; she probably wanted me there with her at the end, or at
least to find her body afterward and report it. Only I could not. If I
told anyone she was dead, my parents would find out about us. Maybe people
would suspect me of doing something to her -- I don't know. I could have
called security but I was only ten; I was afraid somehow they might trace
me. A couple of weeks went by and still nobody had found her. By then it
was too late to say anything. Everyone would have blamed me for keeping
quiet for so long. At night I imagined her turning black and rotting into
her chair like a banana. It made me sick; I couldn't sleep or eat. They
had to put me in the hospital, because I had touched her. Touched death."
=Michael,= Silloin whispered, without any warning flash. =An
impossibility has formed.=
"As soon as I was out of that building, I started to get better. Then they
found her. After I came home, I worked hard to forget Ms. Ase. And I did,
almost." Kamala wrapped her arms around herself. "But just now she was
with me again, inside the marble ... I couldn't see her but somehow I knew
she was reaching for me."
=Michael, Parikkal is here with Linna.=
"Don't you see?" She gave a bitter laugh. "How can I go to Gend? I'm
hallucinating."
=It has broken the harmony. Join us alone. =
I was tempted to swat at the annoying buzz in my ear.
"You know, I've never told anyone about her before."
"Well, maybe some good has come of this after all." I patted her on the
knee. "Excuse me for a minute?" She seemed surprised that I would leave.
I slipped into the hall and hardened the door bubble, sealing her in.
"What impossibility?" I said, heading for the control room.
