"Harry Harrison & Jack C. Haldeman - Bill the Galactic Hero 5" - читать интересную книгу автора (Harrison Harry)

doctor it is your sworn and solemn duty to make every soldier in this command shipshape, sturdy, and
ready for"— gulp —"warfare. How can I jump into action dragging this boulder around?"
"I like your tusks," said Dr. Hackenslash. "Some elephants have tusks, you know. And nothing beats an
elephant when it comes to noses."
The end run from scientific curiosity to flattery didn't work, although Bill was quite fond of his three-inch-
long tusks, which he had inherited from the sadistic Deathwish Drang. He felt they gave him a fearsome
appearance when he snarled.
"I want a new foot," Bill snarled. "I want to be ready to leap into battle," he lied.
Impressed by the gnashing fangs, the doctor nodded reluctantly.
"As you yourself pointed out, this isn't exactly a sizzling war zone." Dr. Hackenslash pulled out a giant-
economy, coffin-sized box of tissue. "Consequently, we have a regrettable lack of replacement parts. In
my last assignment we had arms and legs all over the place, boxes of pippicks, bales of ears. But not here.
And noses! You should have seen my collection; all kinds, shapes, sizes. I even had one —"
"Wait!" Bill whipped up an especially ferocious snarl. "Does this mean I'm stuck with this rock?"
"Don't do that!" shouted the doctor. "You're making me awfully nervous, and I might botch the surgery. It
is quite a delicate procedure. Took years of training."
"So I do get a new foot?"
"In a manner of speaking. Medical supply made a clerical error and sent me eighty-three cases of
regenerative foot-buds. I've got thousands of the little suckers, so I suppose I can spare you one. Though I
really would like to see if your nose turns to stone."
"Let's get with it," growled Bill, tired of dragging the albatross of a stone foot around with him. "Which
way's the operating room? Will I have to be prepped? What kind of anesthetic are you going to use? Will
it hurt?"
The doctor put a box on the floor and pressed a red button marked WARM UP.
"When the green light comes on, put your foot in the hole on top. I'll give you a hand."
"It's a foot I want!" screamed Bill as the light flashed green and Hackenslash grappled up his foot and
dropped it down the hole.
"Just a little professional joke," chuckled the doctor. "We physicians do have a sense of humor beneath
our always coolly confident and skillful exteriors."
With exasperating illogic Bill was already getting ready to miss his old foot. The extra toes had been nice.
And after it had turned to stone, it had been real handy for propping doors open and kicking things out of
his way.
"When will you start the operation?" asked Bill, gritting his teeth in anticipation of the long and involved
and certain-to-be-excruciatingly-painful procedure.
"All finished," said Hackenslash proudly. "Take a look."
Bill pulled his foot out of the hole. The first thing he noticed was that he was missing a foot entirely.
"You moron medico!" screamed Bill, waving his stump in the air. "My foot's gone!"
"That's what you wanted, isn't it?"
"But I wanted a replacement, too. What I got now is nothing," he sobbed.
"What you've got is a military grade Mark-1 regenerative foot-bud, Trooper. Take a close look."


file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Har...-%20The%20Planet%20of%20Zombie%20Vampires.htm (3 of 85) [10/16/2004 2:07:42 AM]
 Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Zombie Vampires

Sure enough, there at the end of Bill's stump was a tiny pink bud about the size and shape of a baked
bean.
"I did a good job, didn't I — why don't you admit that?" The doctor stood up, bloated with pride, red nose
wavering in the air like a giant tomato. "Can I keep your old foot? It'll make a nice paperweight."
Bill was staring at the tiny bud. It still looked like a baked bean.