"Carol Emshwiller - The Being of It All" - читать интересную книгу автора (Emshwiller Carol)

and came back … I don't even know how many times. I felt like a giant.

But who wouldn't hear a call in thunder and on the top of a mountain? It can't mean
much. We must all hear things like that and I'm the only one it took this long to
finally get to it.

Still, just in case the voice really was meant for me, and even though it got the sex
wrong, I'll do something. Or maybe sit down right here and "be" for a while.

I do that. I sit on a stone beautiful with orange lichen. Booboo comes running up
and jumps on my lap. I tell her we're "being" but not to worry, we won't do it for
long.

She's a little dog with ears that flop around. She's a mix of colors. Whitish
underbelly, gray/grizzled rest of her, and some yellow around her face and ears.
When she's with me, she usually looks as if she's smiling. When strangers are around
she looks anxious or angry.

As I sit (Am I really "being"? How can I tell?), I think about how I want to look the
part. I mean the part of having a voice that echoes out. I'll change my outfit. I'll not
only wear my big black hat, I'll buy a red and white striped shirt. I'll get matching
striped socks. I don't have to dress that way all the time. I can rest now and then and
be my shy self when I'm wearing my gray and tan outfits.

Actually I like my life the way it is. My nasty little dog. My little cluttered cottage. I
might change, but not my real life. I couldn't stand that. I need to be shy.

But I have to keep remembering my powerful voice up there. There was hardly a
mountain it didn't ring back from. Maybe I'm not who I've been thinking I am all
these years. Up on that mountaintop everything buzzed with energy. I … even I …
sparkled.
Except there's nothing I like better than staying in the shadows creeping around
watching people—lying in wait as though to jump out and scare, but never jumping
out.

My little dog is as frightened of people as I am, but she's tough. She got frightened
by the lightning, but she didn't go far and came running back to me as soon as I
started down. She always does. We're each other's only friends.



·····


I do it. I buy a whole new outfit for my new way of being (that red and white striped
shirt and matching socks), but when it comes right down to it, I'm scared to wear it.
I do put a little red jacket on Booboo.

She thinks, "If I must," and I say, "You must."