"Eric Brown - The Disciples Of Apollo" - читать интересную книгу автора (Brown Eric)

He wanted to tell her that he had surrendered long ago, that his
resolution now in the face of death was nothing more than the cynicism
that had fossilised his emotions years before.
Instead he smiled.
"I mean it," she said, as she toppled her king in defeat. "There's
something about you..." She gestured. "The other fools have given in, one
way or another - gone stark staring mad or joined that crackpot cult."
She mistook his cynicism for valour, seeing him through eyes of youthful
enthusiasm, and Maitland hated himself for the charlatan he knew himself
to be.
He felt a sudden sympathy, then, with the residents who had taken to
religion, or madness, as protection against the inevitable. At least they
had had full and worthwhile lives against which to measure the futility
and horror of their deaths.
"Perhaps if you were in the position of these people, facing death, you
might give in too. Don't belittle them-"
Something in her eyes made him stop.
She began collecting the scattered pieces, placing them in the wrong
positions. "But I am a resident here," she said. "Another game?"
They played all day, but Maitland gave little attention to the games.
During the hours that followed he found himself intrigued by the young
woman, who introduced herself as Caroline. He opened up, talked about
himself for the first time in years. He wanted to turn the conversation
around, to ask Caroline about herself, her life before the hospice but
mainly her life since the diagnosis. Most of all Maitland wanted to know
how she could remain so overtly optimistic with the knowledge of what was
to come.
But she parried his questions and kept the conversation trivial, and
Maitland was happy to join her in the exchange of banalities he would have
found intolerable at any other time.
Over the next few weeks Maitland and Caroline sought each other's company
as often as possible. They went on long walks around the island, and spoke
guardedly of their respective pasts. Maitland was attracted to Caroline
because of her courage, her optimism and disregard for the proximity of
her death; she perhaps was attracted to Maitland for what she saw as
similar qualities. It hurt him to deceive her - he often wanted to tell
her that you could not fear death if you had never really lived - but as
time went by he became too attached to her to tell her the truth.
Their liaison stopped short of physical intimacy, however, and it was as
if this was a tacit agreement between them. For his part, Maitland could
hardly conceive that intimacy might be possible, much less how he might
react emotionally to something he was yet to experience. Perhaps fear
prevented him acceding to the desires of his body, as if to consummate
what he felt for Caroline would bring home to him the fact of how much he
had come to delight in life of late, and consequently how much he had to
lose.
As for Caroline... They talked all day, and often into the early hours,
but never about their relationship. Maitland was still in ignorance as to
her almost blind, at times even childish optimism.