I took a breath. гI want to sell you my soul.д
гHave you got anything on paper?д
гWhat do you mean, anything on paper?д
гThe Property, my boy. The Sell. You canвt expect B.B.D.O. to buy a pig in a poke. We may drink out of dixie cups up here, but the sauce has got to be a hundred proof. Bring in your Presentation. My girlвll set up an appointment.д
I prepared a Presentation of my soul with plenty of Sell. Then I called his girl.
гIвm sorry, heвs on the Coast. Call back in two weeks.д Five weeks later she gave me an appointment. I went up and
sat in the photo-montage reception room of B.B.D.O. for two hours, balancing my Sell on my knees. Finally I was ushered into a corner office decorated with Texas brands in glowing neon. The Devil was lounging on his contour chair, dictating to an Iron Maiden. He was a tall man with the phoney voice of a sales manager; the kind that talks loud in elevators. He gave me a Sincere handshake and immediately looked through my Presentation.
гNot bad,д he said. гNot bad at all. I think we can do business. Now what did you have in mind? The usual?д
гMoney, success, happiness.д
He nodded. гThe usual. Now weвre square shooters in this shop. B.B.D.O. doesnвt dry-gulch. Weвll guarantee money, success and happiness.д
гFor how long?д
гNormal life-span. No tricks, my boy. We take our estimates from the Actuary Tables. Offhand Iвd say youвre good for another forty, forty-five years. We can pin-point that in the contract later.д
гNo tricks?д
He gestured impatiently. гThatвs all bad public relations, what youвre thinking. I promise you, no tricks.д
гGuaranteed?д
гNot only do we guarantee service; we insist on giving service. B.B.D.O. doesnвt want any beefs going up to the Fair Practice Committee. Youвll have to call on us for service at least twice a year or the contract will be terminated.д
гV/hat kind of service?д
He shrugged. гAny kind. Shine your shoes; empty ashtrays; bring you dancing girls. That can be pin-pointed later. We just insist that you use us at least twice a year. Weвve got to give you a quid for your quo гQuid pro quo. Check?д
гBut no tricks?д
гNo tricks. Iвll have our legal department draw up the contract. Whoвs representing you?д
гYou mean an agent? I havenвt got one.д
He was startled. гHavenвt got an agent? My boy, youвre living
dangerously. Why, we could skin you alive. Get yourself an agent and tell him to call me.д
гYes, sir. M-May I . . . Could I ask a question?д
гShoot. Everything is open and above-board at B.B.D.O.д
гWhat will it be like for me . . . wh-when the contract terminates?д
гYou really want to know?д
гYes.д
гI donвt advise it.д
гI want to know.д
He showed me. It was like a hideous session with a psychoanalyst, in perpetuity . . . an eternal, agonizing self-indictment. It was hell. I was shaken.
гIвd rather have inhuman fiends torturing me,д I said.
He laughed. гThey canвt compare to manвs inhumanity to himself. Well. . . changed your mind, or is it a deal?д
гItвs a deal.д
We shook hands and he ushered me out. гDonвt forget,д he warned. гProtect yourself. Get an agent. Get the best.д
I signed with Sibyl & Sphinx. That was on March 3. I called S & S on March 15. Mrs. Sphinx said: гOh yes, thereвs been a hitch. Miss Sibyl was negotiating with B.B.D.O. for you, but she had to fly to Sheol. Iвve taken over for her.д
I called April 1. Miss Sibyl said: гOh yes, thereвs been a slight delay. Mrs. Sphinx had to go to Salem for a try-out. A witchburning. Sheвll be back next week.д
I called April 15. Miss Sibylвs bright young secretary told me that there was some delay getting the contracts typed. It seemed that B.B.D.O. was re-organizing its legal department. On May 1, Sibyl & Sphinx told me that the contracts had arrived and that their legal department was looking them over.
I had to take a menial job in June to keep body and soul together. I worked in the stencil department of a network. At least once a week a script would come in about a bargain with the Devil which was signed, sealed and delivered before the opening corn-
mercial. I used to laugh at them. After four months of negotiation I was still threadbare.
I saw the Devil once, bustling down Park Avenue. He was running for Congress and was very busy being jolly and hearty with the electorate. He addressed every cop and doorman by first name. When I spoke to him he got a little frightened; thinking I was a Communist or worse. He didnвt remember me at all.
In July, all negotiations stopped; everybody was away on vacation. In August everybody was overseas for some Black Mass Festival. In September Sibyl & Sphinx called me to their office to sign the contract. It was thirty-seven pages long, and fluttered with pasted-in corrections and additions. There were half a dozen tiny boxes stamped on the margin of every page.
гIf you only knew the work that went into this contract,д Sibyl & Sphinx told me with satisfaction.
гItвs kind of long, isnвt it?д
гItвs the short contracts that make all the trouble. Initial every box, and sign on the last page. All six copies.д
I initialed and signed. When I was finished I didnвt feel any different. Iвd expected to start tingling with money, success and happiness.
гIs it a deal now?д I asked. гNot until heвs signed it.д
гI canвt hold out much longer.д
гWeвll send it over by messenger.д I waited a week and then called.
гYou forgot to initial one of the boxes,д they told me.
