"HOMES" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

house, we have to move into it and start finding out what's wrong with it. My
guess is, plenty.


CHAPTER 4
Moving: A Common Mistake

I personally, have never given birth to a child, but I have seen it
dramatized a number of times on television, and I would say that in terms of
pain, childbirth does not hold a candle to moving. For one thing, childbirth
has a definite end to it. The baby comes out, looking like a vaseline-smeared
ferret, and the parents get to beam at it joyfully, and that is that. Whereas
the average move goes on forever. You take Couple A, who just had a baby, and
Couple B, who just moved their household, and if you keep track of them,
you'll find that years from now, when Couple A's baby has grown up, left home,
and started a family, Couple B will still be rooting through boxes full of
wadded-up newspaper, looking for the lid to their Mr. Coffee. Also, during
childbirth, when things go wrong, trained professionals give you powerful
drugs. Nobody is ever this thoughtful during a move.

This is why my Number One piece of helpful advice to people who are about
to move, especially for the first time, is always:

DON'T DO IT! SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSEHOLD GOODS RIGHT NOW
AND JUST WALK AWAY FROM THEM WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BACKWARD
GLANCE! THIS WILL BE EASIER, IN THE LONG RUN!

Of course you think I'm just kidding, and by the time you realize I'm
not, you'll already be in your new home, trying unsuccessfully to locate
something to slash your wrists with. So we might as well get started.

First off, you need to make an important decision: Are you going to move
yourself with the help of friends who have been drinking too much beer, or are
you going to hire surly, incompetent professionals? The answer most likely
depends on whether or not you, personally, have to pay for it. Many times,
large corporations will pay for moving expenses, so you might ask them,
although usually their policy is to do this only for their own employees.

PROFESSIONAL MOVERS: HOW TO GET YOUR POSSESSIONS BACK

The big advantage of going with professional movers, of course, is that
you have somebody to complain to when you get to your new home and discover
that your fine china has been reduced to Chiclet-size pieces and there is
mayonnaise in the piano. Also, if it's a full-service move, you get to watch
the Packing People in action. These are moving company workers who go through
your house scooping up everything they see and putting it into a box.
Everything. The Packing People do not ask questions. They will cheerfully
pack an entire box with used Kitty Litter, painstakingly wrapping each
individual cat doot in specialized paper so it will not be damaged in
shipment. Thus it is very important to keep a sharp eye on the Packing People