"HOMES" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

conditions of this MORTGAGE, whether these terms and
conditions are actually stated right here in print on the
MORTGAGE or exist only in the form of vague concepts in
the minds of LAWYERS working for the BANK, to wit:

1. The money has to BE THERE on the first of the month,
rain or shine.
2. If the money is not THERE, the BANK is going to get
VERY ANGRY.
3. The BANK is going to want to GET EVEN.
4. The BANK is going to make SOMEBODY wish he was naked
and tied down spread-eagle on an anthill with ants
eating his EYEBALLS because that would be a lot more
pleasant than what the BANK has in mind IF THE MONEY
IS NOT THERE.
5. Specifically, the BANK is going to get a pair of NUMBER
SIX KNITTING NEEDLES and heat them up to 11,000
DEGREES FAHRENHEIT, and then the BANK is going to ...

And so it continues, in technical legalistic detail. It's really nothing
to concern yourself about. The important thing is: at last you're a
homeowner. Now you can immerse yourself in the many rewarding and traditional
activities that new homeowners engage in, such as trying to figure out how to
make the mortgage payment and, simultaneously, not starve to death.

BUDGET MEALS FOR NEW HOMEOWNERS

Pixie Cups Filled with Sugar

This easy-to-prepare meal is not only economical, but also extremely
popular with children, who find it gives them that "extra energy" boost they
sometimes need to stay awake for six days in a row.

Wedding Reception Feed

If you go to any major hotel or country club on a weekend, chances are
you'll find a large formal wedding reception going on, featuring serving
people walking around and actually giving away teeny little sandwiches with
the crust cut off. This is an excellent source of food for you, the new
homeowner. You just walk in there, looking like you are a close personal
friend of either the bride or the groom, and help yourself to as many trays as
you feel you will need during this particular mortgage payment period. To
keep people from getting suspicious, you should stop from time to time and
remark aloud, in a natural tone of voice: "I am a close personal friend of the
bride! Or the groom!"

This technique also works at funeral receptions ("I am very sorry that
the deceased is dead!").

But enough about food. Because before we can worry about paying for our