"HOMES" - читать интересную книгу автора (Barry Dave)

Oooh baby baby
We gon' have a transaction tonight

Of course I realize you probably don't understand some of this "legal
jargon," but this is only because you are stupid. This is why it's important
to ask several lawyers to give you contradictory advice before you sign
anything, including get-well cards.

Meanwhile, however, it is time to go around to some banks and see if you
can find one foolish enough to lend you some money.

ARE YOU FINANCIALLY FIT?

The first thing you need to do is perform a detailed financial analysis
of how much money you have versus how much you're going to need to buy your
house. The way you do this is you draw up what professional accountants call
a "Balance Sheet," which should look like this:

Money You Have

1. Savings account: $927.62
2. Checking account: Conceivably as much as $83.15, provided that the check
you wrote to Mister Muffler has not been cashed yet
3. Other assets, primarily canned goods and undeveloped photographs of the
airplane wing taken during your trip to Disney World: $44.02

Money You Need To Buy A House

1. Cost to pay random lawyers for God knows what (see "The Ritual Closing
Ceremony"): $6,765.90
2. Cost to have various inspectors come around and hold clipboards and shine
flashlights at things but fail to notice any sign that the heating system
is going to explode moments after you take possession of your new home:
$1,250
3. Taxes: $3,856.90
4. Additional taxes that nobody ever mentioned to you: $4,847.89
5. Taxes that are just now being rushed into law and will apply only to your
specific house purchase: $5,563.92
6. "Points," which is technically defined as "money that for some reason you
have to give the bank, even though you are the one trying to buy the
goddamn house, and no matter how many times you ask, you will never be
given an intelligible explanation for this": $8,745.00
7. Other (phone deposit, cost of actual house, etc.): $126,436.06

So we can see from this financial analysis that you are definitely going
to need the bank to give you a lot of money in the form of a mortgage. The
bank is willing to do this because, the way mortgages are set up, no matter
how many payments you make, you still owe the bank all the money you ever
borrowed. Really. This explains why, in all your wide circle of friends, you