"How to Marry a Finnish Girl - Everything You Want to Know about Finland, that Finns Wont Tell You" - читать интересную книгу автора (Phil Schwarzmann)

Congratulations on your purchase of How to Marry a Finnish Girl! Or maybe I should say “Congratulations on borrowing this book from a friend!” Or maybe it’s better to say “Congratulations on grudgingly accepting this book from a friend!” And now every time you see that friend, she will ask how you enjoyed the book. You promise to read it soon! You see that friend once more, she again asks how’s the book—you respond the same. After a few more times, you HATE that friend, and avoid her whenever possible. Once a best friend, this person is now your archenemy—all thanks to this book.





THE 30-DAY GUARANTEE


This book guarantees that you will marry a Finnish girl in thirty days or less! She may not be the most beautiful girl in Finland, but she will be more attractive than anyone you could snag in your homeland. She will also be able to gut a fish quicker than anyone from your town. Can any other book offer you that? No.

“Thirty Days? That’s fast!”

Yes, if you follow the instructions thoroughly, and laugh at all the cleverly-crafted jokes, you’ll be at your wedding thirty days from now. In fact, by the end of this chapter, you will kiss your first Finnish girl. In twenty-four hours, you will enjoy a sauna with her. Naked. In seventy-two hours you will have moved into her 30sq/m apartment. In two weeks you both will have moped around the house for several days without talking. And after sixty days she will bear your first-born child. Guaranteed.


@philschwarzmann – The definition of a “good sense of humor” is someone who laughs at your bad jokes.





Everything You Want to Know About Finland That Finns Won’t Tell You


Unlike any other book, How to Marry a Finnish Girl takes you through the REAL Finland experience—the experience Finns don’t want you to know about.

By the end of chapter one, you will have purchased a one-way ticket to Finland and won the lottery. By the end of chapter two, you will have found an apartment and been featured on the front page of Finland’s trashiest tabloid. By the end of chapter three you will have survived Juhannus and avoided serving in the Finnish army. By the end of chapter four you’ll know which tastes better, McDonald’s or Hesburger. By the end of chapter five you’ll be fighting off Finnish women with a stick. By the end of chapter six you’ll get paid to surf Facebook all day. By the end of chapter seven you’ll not only be speaking Finnish, you’ll be teaching it. And by the end of chapter eight you’ll be on holiday at Finland’s Disneyworld.





DON’T LET FINNS READ THIS BOOK!!


When a Finn asks, “How do you like Finland?” there is but one answer, and one answer only…. “I LOVE IT!” Feel free to use expletives. “I FUCKING LOVE IT!” Finns find English curse words acceptable and humorous.

Finns love to hear foreigners’ thoughts on their country, but only the good things. After decades of being painfully ignored by the world, Finland would rather remain ignored than be criticized. Foreigners are allowed to list all the great stereotypical aspects of Finland: The midnight sun, lush forests, clean air and water, safe cities, great skiing, great schools, a strong army, fantastic welfare benefits, the best hockey in the world, and of course, Finnish women.

While Finns complain about Finland all day long—foreigners are forbidden to join in. Foreigners may only joke about a few aspects of Finland: reindeer-piss beer, quiet Finns, high taxes, mämmi, drinking habits, the KKK-Market, long winters, Danny, and of course, Finnish women.

How to Marry a Finnish Girl respectfully ignores any unwritten rules and taboos placed upon foreigners. Those who were expecting yet another brouhaha book about Finland will be disappointed. Though this book is full of stereotypes, generalizations, over simplifications, cynicism, exaggerations, and outright lies—Finns are, above all, honest, self-depreciative, and have the best sense of humor in the world…they, and you, will hopefully enjoy these observations. And maybe laugh a little on the way.

But just to be safe, don’t let Finns read this book. Please don’t show it to members of Perussuomalaiset either.


@philschwarzmann – If you live in a country long enough that you write a book about it…it’s too long.